Kiss, K

Kissing: doing it right can mean the difference between a happy Valentine’s Day full of love and acceptance and feelings of self-worth and a V-Day of doom and despair and the fetal position. Mouth to mouth contact can be invigorating and sexy-hot, or it can be the worst thing ever in the world out of all of the things that exist. Ever. So use this handy guide to help you master the act—nay, the noble art—of the kiss. I am going to save your love life, one poorly drawn illustration at a time.
Signs of a Bad Kiss: Before you can learn how to kiss well, you need to know what to avoid. Think about your past kissing experience. If it matches any of the criteria below, your past smoochin’ experience has been icky and not good and also full of badness.
1. Someone kissed someone else’s tongue.
2. There was a saliva puddle on the floor afterward.
3. There was a saliva puddle on your face afterward.
4. There was saliva puddle anywhere at all afterward.
5. You contracted rabies.
6. You were kissing a lamp post.
7. Both parties ate garlic and onion pizza burgers prior to the kissing.
8. You got bored and started to wonder where laps go when you stand up. (SERIOUSLY.  WHERE?!)
And, of course…
9. TONGUE.  OHMIGOSH SO MUCH TONGUE I CAN’T BREATHE GAAAGURGLEGURLGEBLEGGH.

Remember, the tongue is a delicate tool, not a jackhammer of destruction. This is the cardinal rule of the kiss. Do not wield it as though it were a sword. It is not a sword and your kissin’ partner is not a foul beast. Probably.
Signs of a Good Kiss: Good kisses can be a scarce commodity among your potential kissin’ partners. Especially if you don’t have a kissin’ partner. S’okay. Invent one. ANYWAY. When you’ve got a smooch monkey, you gotta know how to treat him/her/it so that you don’t get dumped before Valentine’s Day. Remember, this is a pivotal point in your relationship. You must sway your dainty darling in your favor by smacking them right in the mouth with the most wonderful and sensational smooch ever to grace the lips of a human being. A good kiss causes both parties to FREAK OUT with glory and wonderment. Anything less is a shameful failure. Your love muffin had better have pure gold flowing out of their eyeballs within thirty seconds, or else you will never get married or be happy.
We’re looking for this reaction:

If you can relate to any of the following, you have experienced a good kissum before. Congratulations! Now keep doing it. If not, fix yourself, yo.
1. You were not kissing an inanimate object. Usually.
2. You were suddenly surrounded by fireworks and the scent of rose petals.
3. Your kissin’ partner said,“WOWEE.  KISS ME AGAIN, GOOD SIR/MADAM.”
4. You were alone and not in public and no one had to watch your disgusting squishy mushy adorableness.
5. You were in public and passerby stopped to say, “I can’t complain, it’s just SO SPECIAL. Pure magic, that.”
Kissing Technique. Now that you know what a good kiss is, we can discuss how to achieve it. Make sure to prepare properly by doing mouth exercises, which involve making fish faces for twelve hours and then sending a box of money to my dorm room.
Avoid These Mishaps:
The Plunger: Suctioning your FACE to someone else’s FACE.
The Woodpecker: “Pecking” at the back of someone’s throat with your tongue. GUH-ROSS.
The Alligator: Ouch, please do not bite me that hard.
The Limp Noodle: Hi. Are you awake?
The Suffocator: Cutting someone’s air off by refusing to stop kissing them.  Gross and mildly dangerous.
Now, make sure to consciously do these things:
Stare deeply into your partner’s eyes. Chicks dig this crap. Guys probably do too, I don’t know. I’m not a guy. Maybe buy a dude a taco?  Yes. Stare into his eyes while you offer him a taco.
Lick your lips a lot. This makes your partner think, “I bet that person has tasty chapstick on. How might I be able to taste this clearly delicious chapstick? I know! With a passionate kiss and a proclamation of love!”
Massage your kissin’ partner’s face prior to indulgence. This way, his/her face will be nice and supple, and that’s good for everyone because it helps increase blood flow to the face and may relieve tension in the tissues which will help him/her to be less stressed out and therefore less likely to sweat all over your body. Also, it might help with kissing. I’m not sure.
Finally, pin this tag to all of your clothing so that everyone knows that you are a certified kissing genius.